


At least it isn't raining!

by softalex



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, Humor, Sibling Banter, Wynonna will never stop making crude jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 06:29:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11503680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softalex/pseuds/softalex
Summary: In which Waverly figures out what happened to her lipstick and Wynonna accidentally tempts fate.





	At least it isn't raining!

**Author's Note:**

> when i tagged this with sibling banter the first suggested tag was sibling incest and i'd just like to ask the universe; why?
> 
>  
> 
> as always: english isn't my native language so if i use weird similes or mess up adverbs please lmk

Doc Holliday has built a laboratory in the basement of Shorty’s bar and regardless of his attempt at discretion, townsfolk gossip is on its way of making him the Walter White of Purgatory.  
What the citizens don't know, is that John Henry and the mixologist Rosita Bustillos have – after many failures – succeeded in reverse engineering a suppressant for Deputy Marshall Dolls. Xavier Dolls also recently gained the ability to exhale flames, and may or may not be an actual dragon.  
The new skill, though used only once, has proved to be excellent for revenant barbecue.

The Earp sisters haven't had a much quieter time either. In between demonic possessions and the losing and regrowing of limbs, it's safe to say that Waverly and Wynonna have had an _eventful_ week. And that’s without even getting near the other un _expected_ news.

 

Waverly has been trying to map out everything she can remember from the weeks she was possessed. Much of what happened when the demon took complete control of her is completely blank, but piece by piece she has managed to recover fragments of lost time. 

 

Finding a tube of lipstick makes her recall the sensation of biting down on soft wax.  
Her features contort in a sour grimace as she recoils from the vivid memory. Wynonna looks up from her cup of coffee and eyes her sister, “Waves, what’s wrong?” She carefully inquires.

 

Waverly shakes her head and dumps the empty lipstick container in the garbage bin.

“Lipstick.” She states matter of factly, with disbelief in her voice.

 

Wynonna blinks, her eyes drifting from the garbage bin, to Waverly, and back to the bin again, before she finally catches her sister’s gaze. “You lost me, dude.”  
She pulls out a second table chair and gestures for the younger Earp to sit.

 

Waverly looks hesitant and not quite present, as though she’s having a rapid conversation inside her mind. She opens her mouth, “I...” there’s a tentative pause before she continues, “Remember when I asked if you took my lipstick?”

  
  
Wynonna nods, squinting slightly. “Yeah, and I said I gave it to you.” She maintains a suspicious look as she waits for the other shoe to inevitably drop.

 

“Yeah, and you _did_ give it to me. But after that, Mictian started feeling a bit famished.”

 

The older Earp’s eyes widen when she puts two and two together, “Oh that’s gross. That is really gross. Although…” Her eyebrows wiggle up and she smirks, a mischievous glint flashing across her eyes, “That can’t be the _most_ disgusting–mmpfh.”

 

Waverly covers her sister’s mouth with both her hands and looks her dead in the eyes. “I swear to god Wynonna, if you say a single word about Champ’s dick, I will disown you.”

("Can you really disown your older sister though?" – "I'll disown myself, then!")

 

In a split second decision, Wynonna resorts to the number one weapon of choice for ‘baby sister’s hands are covering your mouth’.

Waverly is momentarily defeated, but retorts by wiping her hand off on the sleeve of Wynonna’s shirt. 

 

Score for Waverly. Wynonna looks mock-offended and grimaces at her little sister’s look of triumph. “Whatever, you were getting totally ahead of yourself. I was talking about that heinous bubblegum saké of yours. Obviously.”

 

(She tries to hold on to her poker face, but it’s only a short matter of time before they both burst out laughing again.)

 

  
Wynonna puts a comforting hand on her little sister’s shoulder.

“At least lipstick isn’t nearly as bad as the Raw Food® cocktail – emphasis on the _tail_ – that Mictian made while playing captain on the the USS Wynonna. That’s something at least, right?”

 

Waverly's only response is a slow nod.

 

Why is it that whenever something goes spectacularly wrong, some asshole has to say “Well at least it’s not raining!”

– and not even five minutes later the sky cracks open from out of nowhere and down cometh the flood.  

 

Wynonna just _had_ to say that, didn’t she? She just had to tempt fate. Not once has there come anything good from saying; ‘at least it’s not as bad as that,’ or ‘hey, it certainly can’t get any worse than this.’

 

 

Knowing the texture of chewed lipstick was something Waverly felt she could at least _deal_ with,  but there are some things a person never would want to know the taste of.

 

Waverly's her gag reflex protests in response to the sudden memory of feasting on a demon spider like it was a gourmet meal.

She sputters and wheezes, going from laughing to ghostly pale and nauseated within less than a minute. Once she returns from her trip to memory lane, she looks at her sister. “Wynonna, remember the creepy crawly we caught for BBD? The one that mysteriously disappeared from the homestead?”

 

Wynonna nods, her face scrunched up in disgust when she guesses where Waverly is going with this.

 

“I just got front row seats to a flashback of Mictian thinking it made a great snack.”

 

Wynonna gulps, trying desperately to be a somewhat comforting older sister. “I mean, uh– I guess there’s... protein in there…?” She squeaks out. Yikes.

 

“Seriously though, I didn’t remember eating that thing until now. And Nicole was right upstairs when I –Oh shitballs!” Waverly’s hand flies up to her mouth and her jaw drops.

 

_“...You taste differently.”_

 

She breathes nervously, “So, uh,” her hands awkwardly fumble with a loose thread on her shirt. “What if I theoretically were to have done stuff with Nicole right after eating that entire spidey demon?”

 

Wynonna shoots an incredulous smirk at her. “First of all; seriously Waves, _stuff_? Are we still stuck in high school?” 

 

Waverly throws her head back and groans, not letting her sister get to the ‘second of all’.

“Who gives a hoot! What if Mictian’s awful taste in food has ended up giving my girlfriend some kind of demon STI!” Waverly speculates, feeling exasperated.  
  
“How would you even get _checked_ for those?” The concerned Earp is sporting an expression that matches the one of a kicked puppy.

 

Somehow Wynonna musters up enough self control to save her inappropriate jokes for later. “I haven't got the faintest clue, dude.” she responds, taking a slow sip of her coffee. 

 

Waverly shakes her head and unlocks her phone to reply to a text she received from Nicole.

 

  
She smiles distantly and stares out the window.

 

“Well, ‘nonna, at least it isn’t raining!”

  
  
  
  


(The first crash of thunder can be heard after less than four minutes.)

**Author's Note:**

> if the ending seems rushed that's because it was rushed. its tired and im late.
> 
>  
> 
> catch me on tungle dot com @ crypticalex


End file.
